"I Could Beat 'Em in Wranglers"

"Sure you're great at taking a powerbomb, but the key to being a successful

quarterback is giving up your WWE dreams as soon as possible..."

Is it August yet?

No no, I'm not that sick of baseball yet. As a fan, you tend to never stop paying attention, even during the off-season.

As a fan of teams that can't seem to win a championship in recent years, let alone, ever, teams that seem to like nothing more than coming up suspiciously short, you pay special attention to things you borderline neurotically over think can ruin your chances.

As such, I thought it interesting that our favorite gunslingin', heartbreakin', two-timin', wranglin' hunk of QB had some words for the newspaper folk and the NFL community yesterday. Apparently, Favre stated "I can still play at a high level...I would love to go beat the Saints (in the season opener)."

Bing. Bang. Boom. In one fell swoop you just gave a heart attack to those who obsess over believe in sports' curses. Look, we all know the offseason surgery was pretty much only for football, that it went well, and that you hate training camp "need some time to weigh your options." Whatever man, that's cool. But go ahead and do me a favor in knocking out these three simple things whilst you mull:

1. Snap Childress out of his fairytale love for you and convince him a 40 year old isn't the long term solution at QB

Pretty self explanatory. The extent to which the Vikings only addressed their short term needs in this year's draft was almost laughable. The only QB they drafted was more of an athlete, and they had every intention of transitioning him to WR until an AARP packet for Favre was accidentally mailed to Minnesota instead of Mississippi he wowed coaches with an end of practice, "joke" throw. We need a long term solution at QB, and that won't be addressed till the "Brad <3's Brett" posters are taken down from Childress' office.

2. Do something about Adrian Peterson

I'm not pointing any fingers, but this whole Adrian Peterson offseason fiasco wasn't completely unprompted. Act like a leader and step in. Convince Peterson that when your pension starts up when you finally do retire, they're going to need him as a leader. Explain the benefits of you sitting out of camp with regard to your worn down body. Hell, promise you'll personally take down Childress' aforementioned posters. Anything! Just because you're still "mulling retirement" doesn't mean you can't act as a mentor for a current potentially former teammate.

3. Personally finance the purchase of as many rabbit feet, horseshoes, and other lucky charms as desired by your paranoid fan base

Your two statements will be tattooed to media personalities' arms for easy access if things start going south. If you start off the season throwing 1 TD and 8 INTs, they'll wonder what "high level" of play you were talking about. And if we somehow end up meeting the Saints in the playoffs again, they'll reference your desire to beat them so much I may... well... There's only one cure to this. No, not rational, that's crazy talk. We need to proactively work on appeasing whatever mystical forces are at work here. I have no idea what appeases them, but if you start thinking about two proven methods, rabbits' feet (which are tiny feet), and horseshoes (shoes for huge feet), you start to wonder if the only thing that appeases these mystical forces is making us look ridiculous.

But don't worry about these things too much. You got that whole retirement thing to ponder over. And cutting your grass. And Mississippi high school football. And Wrangler jeans...

You know what, screw it. Quit the "mulling," take the $13 million now, and start buying those horseshoes!